whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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