my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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