Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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