Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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