Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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