What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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