Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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