I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
