i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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