No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
