I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she smelled like a LAN party
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
