We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
