tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
