dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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