what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
