I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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