I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
