This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I love having hate sex.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
