Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
