She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
