i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
