I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
