wanna go halves on a baby?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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