i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
