If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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