she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.