Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.