They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
