U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
