ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
