I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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