i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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