the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
