Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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