Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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