Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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