eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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