I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
