I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
