I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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