Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
