my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
