Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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