literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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