how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
