My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
