I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
