Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you traded sex for a burrito?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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