Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
