cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
