I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
