eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
