I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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