not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
