oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
