I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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