I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
