Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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