I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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