So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
