Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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