That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
